The Kraken Is Real and It Holds 18 Ounces
I want to be clear that I did not go looking for this. I was minding my own business, already committed to two puffer fish tiki mugs that I haven’t decided what to put in yet, when the internet presented me with a Kraken.
A ceramic one. Teal green. Tentacles coiling up the sides. Eighteen ounces of mythological deep-sea chaos, dishwasher safe.
The Burns Glass Kraken Ceramic Tiki Mug is $24.95 and it is, genuinely, a beautiful object. The detail work is impressive — the kind of thing that looks like it belongs on a shelf at a bar where the bartender knows your name and the cocktails have ingredients you’ve never heard of. In the product photos, someone is holding a blowtorch to whatever is inside it. There is fire. There is a charred citrus wheel. There are no regrets visible anywhere in the frame.
This is the correct energy for a Kraken mug. You do not pour a Diet Coke into this vessel. You pour something that required research. Something with rum, probably. Something with a garnish that required a second trip to the shop. Something you light on fire, apparently, which I am now considering even though I have never owned a kitchen torch and this is absolutely how I end up owning one.
At $24.95 for one, or $39.95 for two, and $74.95 for four — this is a collection that scales. I am being given very clear numerical options and I resent how reasonable they are.
The puffer fish mugs are arriving soon. The Kraken is going in the cart. My home bar is becoming an ecosystem and I am not stopping it.
Blame the internet.
